Endless Awkward Stage

Note:  I’ve written and deleted this whole damn post, I don’t know, maybe 100 times.  Seems to easy, and yet so hard to write out.  Maybe because I still don’t have it all figured out.  Maybe because I’m scared.  Not sure.  But, today is the day that I’m going to push that silly little Publish button to my right.

I grew up in a small town – the last kid for my Dad and the only kid for my Mom.  I was both the last and the only chance to “get it right”.  Except, from no fault of theirs, I felt so wrong for so long.

I have written before that I felt like I “mimed” my way through my early years, afraid to show my true personality to anyone.  I mirrored their personalities, and in the process, annoyed the hell out of anyone that was willing to hang out with me.  So, I adjusted my sails and faced the wind: I found a boyfriend and only hung out with him.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, not the best adjustment.  Looking back, I feel bad for the friends that I clung to, the boyfriend that I hung hopes on, and me – the girl who didn’t know what the hell she was doing.  My apologies to everyone involved.  {Moving on….}

Somehow I made it through high school with a few emotions intact.  I looked forward to college and the prospect of meeting new people and becoming a new me. No one there would know that I used to wear my hair “40-year old lady” short or wore glasses big enough to rival Sally Jesse Raphael.  Thank goodness mine weren’t red.

And, thankfully, God heard my prayer even when I didn’t say one.  See, I thought I could do it all on my own, and when I found FANTASTIC friends (I mean, you guys, these girls CHANGED MY LIFE) I didn’t even think to give God the glory.  But, He hung in there with me knowing that in a few years, it would all make sense.

Fast forward through 4 of the greatest, most frustrating, energy-zapping years of my life, where I learned more about life than I did my major, I graduated.  Barely. Trust me, I requested my transcript last year after being out of college for 10 years…..  I couldn’t quite remember what my grades were…..

Things were looking up.  I had met the most amazing man, who would become my husband a year later, I sort of had a job lined up, and I was ready to tackle the world. Things were still a bit blurry, but I had more confidence to fight to see it clearly.  And, then I got a job.  A real job after working a kinda-real job that actually cost me money.  Another not-so-smart move.  {Moving on…}

And, I met new women.  Who weren’t necessarily focused on bearing Christian fruit. Who weren’t necessarily interested in being a good friend.  For a recovering mime, it was a little hard.  In the midst of a whole bunch of crappy friends, I met a couple of great ones (again, beautiful women that CHANGED MY LIFE).  Through the trials of learning how to be an adult friend – who helps and surrounds and supports in a whole different kind of way – we’ve made it through unscathed. Together.  And, this time, I’m giving God ALL of the glory.

Through a lot of failing and struggling and tears, I have finally found my voice.  I finally found my confidence to be who God created me to be.  And, I think that, while the details may be different for each of us, the plot of our life story is still very much the same.  We all go through life not knowing what the hell we’re doing, unsure and afraid, until finally we see the light.  But, what if you’re so far down that all you see around you is blackness?  You think you have a glimmer of hope that you were meant for something greater, but all you’re doing is grasping in the inky darkness for help.

This, my friends, is my passion.  My passion is to reach my hand in that stupid, inky darkness, grab your hand, and help you out.  To help you to see the creative GENIUS that God was when He created you, and help you understand the blinding brilliant destiny He CREATED JUST FOR YOU.  This passion, is the kind that eats away the inside of your belly, contracts your chest, makes you smile a stupid grin when you think about it.  I have it – just for you.  So many women, and yes, you included, have so much more than they ever give themselves credit for.  And, no matter if we figure out that your dream and destiny is big or small, just think of the passion that you could have by fulfilling that God-Destiny for yourself?

If this speaks to you – and you want to walk the journey together – go to the Working Together tab.  It will be the eye-opening, turn-your-world-upside-down, most awesome thing you can do for yourself.  And, if you don’t think you’re worth investing in, trust me when I say that you are.

One thought on “Endless Awkward Stage

  1. It blesses my soul to hear your heart. Praying your Christmas is Christ-filled andan opportunity to share special moments with your family. So glad to stumble on this tonight.
    Lauren “Quintus”

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